So today I had a bad day. I don’t really know how it came up but Eric and I got into the conversation. You know…the one where we talk about my life….or lack thereof.
See, lately…well for a month or so, I have been thinking hard. I had this idea that when we moved to Portland, my life was going to change. I was going to get to go back to school, work somewhere that I was really excited about, find and make close friends, find a good church home, etc. etc. However, none of these things have happened.
As it always goes, I apply to a college, get past the acceptance stage, start talking about the money part and boom. It ends. I have applied, been accepted and almost gone to 4 colleges since OC. But there is always something that prevents me from going. Money is usually the major factor. I’m so sick of it. I am really tired of getting super excited for a new opportunity only to have to tell the admissions counselor that, sorry, I can’t come…I don’t have the money/time/skills/whatever.
I have been realizing that I really have no major future plans until we eventually have kids. So for the next 3+years, I honestly have nothing that I am looking forward to. Sound bleak? Yeah maybe, but this is how I feel.
I feel like I have been working all these past years while Eric was in school, to support us. Basically working any job that will pay the bills. And now, now that I am in Portland starting a new life…I am still working a job just to pay the bills. Part of me wants to scream, It’s not supposed to be like this!!! but that’s stupid.
I was sharing all my feelings of being lost, directionless, hopeless, lonely, with Eric today and he said something that kind of stuck with me. He said, ‘it sounds like your jealous of my life/career'. Of course I instantly shrugged that off…but the more I think about it…this is horrible and probably makes me a terrible person, but I think I am a little jealous of his life.
See, I wish I could have finished college…I wish I could be working somewhere that I really liked and was excited to go to every day. I wish I had a passion that I loved like he does with biking. I wish I loved PDX as much he does.
I just feel like I was supposed to be something. To do something great. And yes, I know I am only 22 and I have a lot of life ahead of me. BUT, now that major schools bills are rolling in…going back to school is not really an option right now…or really anytime in the near future. And Eric has been talking about eventually getting his masters which is of course a wise decision.
I don’t know. I don’t know what I am doing with my life and where I am going. I don’t like sitting at home alone 4 days out of the week trying to pass time. I don’t feel very happy or content and I’m not sure how to fix me.
It’s times like this that I really, really miss my family.
I know where you are "at." I've been there. Seemed like Dad was always the one getting ahead in life, getting to pursue what he wanted. I was the support system. And sometimes I was jealous.
ReplyDeleteBut Meg, what you've done this past year...that has been really great. You were the one who learned to save thousands of dollars on part-time incomes. (That was an economics course.) You were the one who held up your husband through a grueling school year (That was graduate-level psychology). You drove by yourself halfway across America (American History--the Oregon Trail.) You chose to pursue a healthier lifestyle through diet and exercise (PE, Home Ec, and Health Class).
So maybe you didn't pay a school to teach you, but you sure have been furthering your education!
You inspire other women, Meg, don't doubt it for a minute. And God will use your unique talents for something special. It may not bring public acclimation, but it will be a greatness that is perfect for you.
I love you, dear one. I'll be praying for you as God leads you on to the next step in your adventure.
Love, Mom
Meg -
ReplyDeleteI have had several points in my life where I have wondered if my life has any meaning. At some of those points, I made major decisions, like going back to school.
When I went back to college, I threw myself into school thinking that getting a degree would make all of my emotional baggage go away. I finished my undergrad and earned a Master's degree to complete this goal.
I really enjoyed reaching my goals, but truthfully, when I got my dream job and my degree, it wasn't the magic moment that I had dreamed off.
Just because a person gains knowledge in a certain field, it does not mean that the person is magically a happy person. What has been the most rewarding and life changing decision in my life has been to love myself.
When I decided to have some self confident and be proud, suddenly my life was better - everyday things, like the color of trees could bring me to tears because of their magnificence. When I filled myself up with love, I then saw love all around me. This is what I encourage you do to - Love everything.
"The life that goes out in love to all life is the live that is full, and rich, and continually expanding in beauty and in power." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
"When the heart is set right, then the personal life is cultivated. When the personal life is cultivated, then the home life is regulated. When the home life is regulated, then the national life is orderly: and when the national life is orderly, then the world is at peace" - Confucius
- May you feel love,
your cousin Holly