I am struggling.
I know, I know. If you look back through my blog posts, I’m sure there are more posts about me struggling than ones about being happy or in a good place.
It’s weird because I thought I was really happy. School was going good, life was good, it was beginning to warm up here in Portland.
But as it seems my life goes, things got rocky again. I am struggling and to be honest, I don’t know why. There is not one specific thing that I could blame this on, it just seems to be an over all cloud around me.
I’m moody, emotional, tired, not giving a care about certain things, caring to much about others. Desperately wanting to go jump on the first flight anywhere exciting, but wanting to stay here at the same time.
And before you ask, no, it’s not PMS. You can ask Eric…this has been going on for a while. Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m still loving school and I’m still loving on Portland…I’m just restless I guess? Wanting to go somewhere, anywhere. Wanting to explore and discover and be challenged.
Maybe that’s it, maybe I’m not challenged enough in school seeing as how it’s just classroom classes on management and front of the house stuff…but I don’t think so.
Someone told me recently that I need to figure out what kind of person I want to be. Who am I going to grow up into? Then my mom texted me today and told me never to forget who I was.
I think that is still something I am struggling with. Who am I and who am I shaping up to be? And is that question why I am at odds with myself lately?
People at school say I have changed since I started school. I have come out of my shell more they say. Lately someone told me that I look sad all the time. What does that mean? Am I sad?
I’m just frustrated that I’m still battling with this…drama. I think I thought that when I started school everything would just click. All of a sudden everything would feel right…but that’s not the case.
I am jealous of people that seem to have it all together because lately I feel like I’m falling apart.