So today I had a bad day. I don’t really know how it came up but Eric and I got into the conversation. You know…the one where we talk about my life….or lack thereof.
See, lately…well for a month or so, I have been thinking hard. I had this idea that when we moved to Portland, my life was going to change. I was going to get to go back to school, work somewhere that I was really excited about, find and make close friends, find a good church home, etc. etc. However, none of these things have happened.
As it always goes, I apply to a college, get past the acceptance stage, start talking about the money part and boom. It ends. I have applied, been accepted and almost gone to 4 colleges since OC. But there is always something that prevents me from going. Money is usually the major factor. I’m so sick of it. I am really tired of getting super excited for a new opportunity only to have to tell the admissions counselor that, sorry, I can’t come…I don’t have the money/time/skills/whatever.
I have been realizing that I really have no major future plans until we eventually have kids. So for the next 3+years, I honestly have nothing that I am looking forward to. Sound bleak? Yeah maybe, but this is how I feel.
I feel like I have been working all these past years while Eric was in school, to support us. Basically working any job that will pay the bills. And now, now that I am in Portland starting a new life…I am still working a job just to pay the bills. Part of me wants to scream, It’s not supposed to be like this!!! but that’s stupid.
I was sharing all my feelings of being lost, directionless, hopeless, lonely, with Eric today and he said something that kind of stuck with me. He said, ‘it sounds like your jealous of my life/career'. Of course I instantly shrugged that off…but the more I think about it…this is horrible and probably makes me a terrible person, but I think I am a little jealous of his life.
See, I wish I could have finished college…I wish I could be working somewhere that I really liked and was excited to go to every day. I wish I had a passion that I loved like he does with biking. I wish I loved PDX as much he does.
I just feel like I was supposed to be something. To do something great. And yes, I know I am only 22 and I have a lot of life ahead of me. BUT, now that major schools bills are rolling in…going back to school is not really an option right now…or really anytime in the near future. And Eric has been talking about eventually getting his masters which is of course a wise decision.
I don’t know. I don’t know what I am doing with my life and where I am going. I don’t like sitting at home alone 4 days out of the week trying to pass time. I don’t feel very happy or content and I’m not sure how to fix me.
It’s times like this that I really, really miss my family.